More often than not, partnered conversations can feel very much like an attack.

How does it sound like…

[We are communicating normally and all of a sudden in the midst of conversation my partner either gets very defensive and we end up having an argument or completely withdraws from the conversation by choosing to be silent. What exactly is this behavior?]

To the very core, this sudden change in partner’s behavior while having a conversation begins with the kind of words used. Eg- ‘You never listen to me’ ‘you always do what you want to/have to’ ‘your behavior made me do this/react this way’ ‘you never understand me’ ‘you always leave it on me to do it, why don’t you do it yourself?’

This YOU comes out as an attack to the partner- showing a silent message that You are the cause of the trouble lingering in the relationship. There is something about You that is aggravating the heated air. The stress activated from hearing these words instantly prepares the attacker for a fight or flight response. Fight or flight response is a body’s way of trading with a terrifying situation by either straight away dealing with it or moving back towards safety. During this time, there is an automatic release of hormones preparing the body to stay and defend or move and withdraw.

So what’s the alternate to these continuous ‘You talks?’ Its “I talks” – ‘I feel this way’ ‘I don’t like it when you say this’ ‘I feel attacked/blamed when you say this’ ‘I am not comfortable with this.’

When you reframe your words to ‘I’ rather than ‘You,’ the conversation becomes centered on how a partner’s response evoked a certain response or reaction than stating that there is an inherent fault in the partner. This opens the doorway towards repair and honest sustained listening.